The Official Tool Newsletter

January 2001

Date: Wed, Jan 17 2001


Greetings on this holiest of days, January 17th, sacred, at least, to those with eyes to see - a date that recurs in the Rennes mystery (death of the noble Marie de Blanchefort, January 17, 1781) as well as the fateful day that Nicholas Flamel achieved the Great Work (January 17, 1382) with only his wife Perrenelle present (hint, hint). Baring any calamities such as those that have befallen on previous January 17ths (I'm referring to the Gulf War - remember the "mother of all wars" and southern California's Northridge earthquake), the brethren of P.U.P. will convene at the lodge in Hollywood for this year's festivities. First order of business - finalizing the plans for the construction of Danny's Magdala Tower, a full-scale replica of the folly erected in Abbe Saunier's domaine. After concluding with the Minutes, there will be a traditional feast with all the trimmings, P.U.P. style. Tonight's menu will include a hybrid vindaloo curry, dal and garlic/basil naan washed down with liberal quaffs of Taj Mahal. For desert: the Opalescence of Absinthe and special mauve-colored M&Ms (supplied by an unknown benefactor for the occasion). Hmmm, Mauve-dye #5? More about Lodge assassination attempts in a future newsletter - that is, if I survive.

So far, so good. However, earlier in the week the dal portion of the meal was in jeopardy, as a couple of weeks ago I got a frantic call from its patient cook, the tabla master, Aloke Dutta (that's Dutta, not Dutto for all of you who are so fascinated by the few typos on the box-set) who was complaining of severe stomach pains. Seems Aloke wanted to go to the emergency room with yours truly as his driver. Even though I had no idea where the nearest hospital was, Aloke must have figured I'd make a slightly better ambulance driver than Danny C. who would "be right over after loading a few samples" and probably arrive with his tank on empty. So, I place a call to the recording studio where the boys are busy mixing. From the controls, Adam suggests a hospital not far from Aloke's apartment. I haul ass over to his place, making siren sounds with my mouth ala Monte Python, and run up flights of steps to find his apartment door open. Inside, the master is still hurting. As we are about to leave, his phone rings. It's someone who wants to take tabla lessons. Before I tell what Aloke says, try to imagine a voice that sounds like Apu on the Simpsons: "Yes...yes, I can teach you, but first I must see... I think I might be dying. If not, then I will call you back..." (Note: as a sidebar to this conversation, the person later explains to Aloke that he is blind. "That is fine", Aloke replies, "I will give you your vision!" Later, after the person's first lesson, I get a call from a sheepish Aloke who says, "Blair, this person is really blind - I thought he meant that he was blind, rhythmically speaking!"

So to continue. We arrive at the emergency room of ST. Joseph's Hospital in Burbank. Inside, the walls are covered with images of the crucified Jesus Christ. As we walk by them I thought I heard JC say: "So, now you come for my help, Hindu - why not just toss a few more peanuts to your elephant god!"

"Do you have medical insurance?" asks a lady from behind her desk. "Right, lady, he's covered on the plan for Bengali bongo players." Finally, moments before Aloke is reincarnated as a ********, we are accepted (by law) and proceed into the waiting room - my first visit to an emergency waiting room since I was 10 years old and a garage door slammed me in the head (I know what you're thinking - my mother has the same thoughts). How can I describe the horrors of the waiting room? Viruses with social security numbers (some even legit). Across from me there's a flu-ridden Hispanic woman nursing her infant. Discreetly pointing her out, I try to cheer up the tabla master: "Look, Aloke, just like Jumbo's Clown Room - only with mucus running from their noses." Worst of all, people with bone-fractures and such are drinking water from the same fountain as those about to drop dead from influenza. If ever there was a place for the Arrowhead/Sparkletts cooler and PAPER CUPS it's the hospital waiting room. So we wait - six hours. I told Aloke to write on his form that he slipped on the blood pouring from his ass and cracked his skull, but with karma and all, he wouldn't go for it - hence the wait. He opted for severe stomach pains, instead. Well, I'm delighted to tell you that Aloke is feeling much better. Still, I think I'll pass on the dal. (NOTE: for those of you who want to see one of the best there is, Aloke will be performing at a drumming camp. For more details, go to

After the food settles (and you know how curry settles - a process that can be quite disturbing), hopefully things will get a bit more interesting. Last year we were graced by the presence of Queen guitar-virtuoso, Brian May, who dropped by to have a glass of ale (to break glasses with us as he put it), courtesy of Mother Goose. Speaking of Mother Goose (Chris Pittman), hopefully he will be back in time from his gig with GNR in Rio. Later, green candles will be lit and hoisted towards the ceiling. Soon it will be time for The Black Wine of Owls - this from our private reserve. After which, Frater Ijynx will speak about esoteric cannibalism and his initiated interpretation of the "Last Supper." If permitted, I will post excerpts of this in a future newsletter.

Before I continue with some Q&A, I want to share with you one of our favorite e-mails. Several months ago someone had asked if Maynard would be available for a jiu-jitsu seminar. I explained to this person that Maynard was very busy and sarcastically added that Tank Abbot might be available. Weeks later, I receive the following: Hello there: I took your advice and booked a jiu-jitsu seminar with Maynard's associate, Mr. "Tank" Abbott. I am very appalled by this mans unprofessional attitude. Not only did this unpleasant fellow show up drunk, but he persisted in calling the group of students, myself included, "little faggots" and that jiu-jitsu is "homo-sexual." I am shocked to hear this man is from the Tool clan. Never have I been so disrespected by a vulgar thug.


Now, I don't know if this is for real, or someone's idea of a joke (if so, it's a damn good one), but I have a feeling it might just be real (although the person misspelled jiu-jitsu each time in his e-mail). When I suggested Mr. Abbott (spelling of last name uncertain), I thought for sure someone into the martial arts would know who he was. For those not familiar with him, "Tank" Abbott was one of the most colorful characters involved in "Ultimate Fighting." He certainly was one of my favorites, a fearless, street fighter without marshal art skills who, when he wasn't in the ring, was drinking beer (?) from a 40oz. cup and daring all others to fight him. So, if the e-mail is real, I apologize, but with a big smile on my face.

And then there was this:

Hi Blair,

My name is ***, I am a father of two girls, 8 and 9. They were horrified when I told them the "real" version of Santa Claus, the Nativity and the Star of Bethlehem. They are scarred for life. Love you guys!!!

p.s. Tinsel will never be looked at the same again. By the way, please tell the band that my oldest daughter has quit listening to Britney Spears and is now an avid Tool fan. She especially loves Pushit live. "Tabla rules!" she said. A fan in the making.

Thanks, my friend, for another e-mail that put a smile on my face (and Aloke's).


Q: Hi, I've been reading Crowley for years; or rather I have been reading about Crowley for years. I sense a connection there but I have found his own writings rather inaccessible. Can you suggest a good starting point for the novice?

A: My suggestion would be to read the works of someone who elucidates Crowley's writings - someone like Kenneth Grant. Although Mr. Grant's writings are for advanced practitioners of the Arts, there are passages in his books, "The Magical Revival" and "A. C. and the Hidden God" which bring to light much of what is obscure in Crowley's own writings. Also, Mr. Grant introduces no blinds. If you want to read Crowley, himself, try "Book Four" and then "Magick."

Q: What are Hobo spiders?

A: They are aggressive house-spiders (Tegenaria agrestis) transplanted from Europe in the 1930s to our spider-infested Pacific Northwest. Sometimes called "killer house- spiders" or " the terminator spider", these predators are very poisonous. I was once accosted by one of these little (actually moderately-large) beasts, which caught me off-guard - without any weapons other than a spray bottle of Windex and plastic Whiffle ball bat. Needless to say, the spider got away. I moved from Portland the next day (having stuffed towels under my bedroom door and passed out on blackberry brandy) and haven't been back in over twenty years. SERIOUS ENVENOMATION IS NO JOKE. T. agrestis - coming to YOUR town.

Q: ...I've read a bit about Dee and Kelley and how they were given the system of magick by beings calling themselves angels, and the keys for invoking the various spirits, the confusing tables and diagrams... so far I'm really fascinated, but I want to know more about exactly what the purposes of magick are. Simply put, what can magick do? Why would someone want to invoke spirits/angels/demons?

A: To establish contact with the denizens of other realms and to discover knowledge via the "angelic" conversations. The real question is whether or not the phenomena (i.e. spirits/angels/demons etc.) have an objective or subjective existence. If we think of these spirits (using the Enochian system) as other dimensions of consciousness (with their presiding angels) invoked to instruct you in, say, geometry, then the process of invocation might itself stimulate that specific region of the brain which is responsible for learning and understanding advanced mathematics - in this case geometry.

Q: Kelly- the real deal or a fraud?

A: This relates to the "crop-eared wizard", Edward Kelley, Dr. John Dee's skryer (or viewer) in the Enochian Calls. If he was a fraud, then he was quite ingenious. There is an instance when the "angel" was dictating to him in Greek (a language which Kelley didn't know) and thought was gibberish. However, before stopping the sČance, Dee recognized in the Greek sentences a message warning himself (Dee) not to trust Kelley with regards to certain matters.

Q: What does E.V. stand for?

A: Era Vulgaris or the Common Era.

Q: Why does Hawaii have interstates?

A: To divide the golf courses (I believe the PGA was founded on January 17th - Freemasons, you betcha) or perhaps because everyone's in a hurry to get their pineapples. What this Wisenheimer should have asked is: Why do they call the freeways interstates in Hawaii?

Q: In reading "The Star of the Magi" I realized I had heard of Henry Lincoln before, in an old BBC documentary called "The Shadow of the Templars" or something of that nature. I had no idea he had researched into Jesus' birthplace or that Venus travels in a pentacle. It was my understanding that he was a devout Christian - why would he come to the conclusion that Venus travels in such a non -Christian pattern? Please consult Frater Ijynx to explain more on Henry Lincoln, or, at least, point me towards some info on him.

A: Henry Lincoln was the writer of several documentaries associated with the mystery of Rennes-le-Chateau and the Knights Templar. As for being a devout Christian - I rather doubt it. I believe Mr. Lincoln considers himself to be agnostic. He is the co-author of "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" which hypothesized that Jesus survived the cross and had children with his wife, Mary Magdalene, which engendered the royal Merovingian bloodline - a hypothesis that, no doubt, made him an enemy of devout Christians. His other books include, "The Messianic Legacy", "The Holy Place" and "Key to the Sacred Pattern." All are worth reading.

The following is taken from "The Enochian Dictionary:" I have added the plaintext in parenthesis.

"Take common Audcal (gold); purge and work it by Rlodnr (the alchemical furnace) of four divers digestions, continuing the last digestion for fourteen days, in one and a swift proportion, until it be Dlasod (sulphur) fixed, a most red and luminous body, the Image of Resurrection.

Take also Lulo (Tartar) of red Roxtan (pure and simple Wine in her self), and work him through the four fiery degrees, until thou have his Audcal (gold): and there gather him.

Then double every degree of your Rlodnr (the alchemical heat), and by the law of Coition and mixture work and continue them diligently together. Notwithstanding backward, through every degree, multiplying the lower and last Rlodnr his due office finished by one degree more than the highest.

So doth it become Darr (the Philosopher's Stone), the thing you seek for: For in one hour, he descendeth, or ascendeth from the purpose. Take hold."

This was a communication given to Dr. John Dee and Edward Kelley by a vision of an old man reading from A BOOK OF IVORY-BONE on 17 January, 1585.