The Official Tool Newsletter

November 2000

Date: Tue, Nov 28 2000
From: www.toolband.com


(THE DISCUSTING ISSUE), NOVEMBER, 2000 E.V.

As far as months go, I've never been too impressed with November. First of all, I don't participate in Thanksgiving festivities, especially the traditional feast of turkey and all the trimmings, having become soured at an early age after seeing one of those ugly gobblers eating the worms out of its own shit. Also, I still get a little nervous being around pies - pies of all varieties - this possibly due to the pie-pan's resemblance to something I saw hovering over my backyard one night in the early 60's. Next thing I remembered was waking up in the morning with bloodstains on my pillowcase and the mental image of a big owl having been staring at me through the bedroom window during the night. 30 years later, with over 400 books on ufology lining my shelves, I still don't know what the hell happened. But the main reason I don't celebrate the holiday is because of its connection with pilgrims and those of their ilk - the puritan New England mindset responsible for the witchcraft delusion in the seventeenth century as well as other atrocities involving the "natives" of this country. Although the number of "witches" executed in America was relatively small compared to those burned in Europe (a virtual holocaust), I still can't forgive the bastards let alone glorify that kind of ignorance with a holiday that's about eating, drinking and watching football. What constituted being a witch, you ask? Well, for one thing the so-called witch's mark found on a woman's body - these being moles, birthmarks, scars, etc., which were believed to be a branding by Satan. But sometimes women were accused of being witches for little more than being vegetarians, using medicines to cure the sick, or, incredibly enough, for being left-handed! As far as I can see, about the only useful thing the puritans did for this country was to inadvertently add a new word to the English vocabulary. Yes, it seems that when punishing sinners for petty offenses by locking them in pillories, they would scrawl on the device of public scorn the following words: For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, which after time they simply shortened to F**K (NOTE: Recently at a party someone told me that it was the British who gave us said word, abbreviated from "Fornication Under Consent (of) King." Maybe so, but it occurred to me that with our apparent indecision in electing a new president, these Brits are not only thinking about reclaiming their former territory but also taking credit for America's favorite vulgar term.)

THANKSGIVING UPDATE: As I was about to head up to the nearest "Jack and the Box" for a couple of Monster Tacos * (the antithesis of the turkey-and-all-the-trimming thing), Danny called to see if I wanted to go to my brother's house for food and drink. Since he was driving (see September newsletter), the dour one decided to go just for the hypocritical hell of it. As we were all seated to eat (candles, polished silver, linen, etc.), my brother's wife suggested that we each say what we were thankful for. The room became quite. Danny went first. After reflecting for a second, with all sincerity, he answered that he was thankful "for three coiled floaters". Thus ended any chance at decorum, at civility, but was, thought I, a perfect symbol befitting of the occasion.

• Why Jack and the Box instead of the other guys? Well, according to Vince of "Dimensional Beam" fame, it turns out that McDonalds is the world's largest purchaser of cow eyeballs. Whether or not this is true I don't know, but if so, it doesn't mean that they are up to anything nefarious such as using them as filler for padding Big Macs. Its probably just a trick fact. They may simply be the world's largest buyer of cattle and cows normally each have two eyes. Still I'm not one to take chances.

For those of you who live in Southern California or anyone who is planning on visiting the area this month, I highly recommend an exhibition at the Laguna Art Museum called, "Struggle: the art of Szukalski". The exhibit features the complex, magnificent bronzes and other works of polish-born artist, Stanislav Szukalski (1893-1987), a prolific genius who lived most of his life in obscurity despite his unique artistic vision and mind-boggling out-put. Check it out if you can. I think the works on display will amaze you. The exhibition will be there behind the Orange curtain until Jan 7th, 2001 e.v.

Q&A

Q: Would Mr. Keenan be available or interested in teaching a seminar on jiu-jitsu to a small group?

A: Mr. Keenan is currently very busy but you might try Tank Abbot.

Q: ...Tool has clearly told us to "believe in nothing", yet I'm to believe that they are performing banishing rituals and placing "sacred" geometry shapes on Danny's drums. All this stuff would constitute a belief in something...I believe. So is the entire newsletter bullshit? Should I stop reading the newsletter because it's for sheep (and those poor oblivious souls who ask if Tool is Christian)?

A: The key is to EXPLORE... and never stop exploring, but as for belief, I like this quote by Spare: "in a universe that defies description, all systems of belief can only be false." I would only change the word "universe" to "multiverse".

Q: ...ok, I'm a big fan of Tool. Huge fan. But I read your examples of mail questions on the newsletter, and it clearly states that Tool is Christian... what the hell is going on?!!!

A: Find a dictionary and look for a word between sarbacane and sarcel.

Q: I love Tool as much as the next person, but there are two things about the new albums that piss me off! Firstly, six months to do the new album seems a very long time! Sure, it's Maynard's B'day in April, but what difference will it make releasing it then... Regards, Aussie Tool fan

A: Firstly, why are Aussies always so pissed off? Might it be because there are so many goddamn spiders down-under -Huntsmen on the boomerang-dented walls and Red backs in the garden weaving, with impunity, webs the size of satellite dishes. Funnel-web spiders slapping around primates...okay, perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on your country considering the bad hand you were dealt with regards to your spider problem. Anyway, I guess it all balances out with that Dingo-baby-eating thing you've got going. Jacki, I'm still pondering your letters, which I really enjoyed.

Q: When Aenima came out, I remember seeing Tool on vinyl at the record store. Was the acid really THAT good, or did I really see all three TOOL albums on one or two pieces of vinyl?

A: All were released on vinyl in America except for "BETHLEHEM ABORTION CLINIC" which was only released on vinyl in Europe and never released in CD format anywhere. See catalogue in import release of Aenima CD for details. That reminds me, someone recently (I think it was Staci) found a copy of Undertow on vinyl and said it contained "The Lord's Prayer" inscribed in the dead wax. If so, I didn't know that.

Well, mercifully that's it for the disgusting issue. But, before we leave, a message from those poor bastards in the merchandise department: In December, the fulfillment people will be randomly putting gifts in some orders - this regardless of how much you spend. And yes, Virginia, there will be a festive Xmas newsletter to celebrate that wonderful pagan holiday.

 

HAPPY TRAILS

JUSTIN

DANNY

MAYNARD

ADAM

BLAIR