The Official Tool Newsletter

September 2000

Date: Wed, Sep 27 2000


To the memory of Mee-Too, a flash of fawn and sapphire, gone now, but still
Biting the hand that feeds her.

Well, the news everyone really wanted to hear - that of future Tool
releases - has already been posted on the site by those in the inner sanctum,
leaving the writer of the NEWSletter, once again, to engage in flights
of fancy

In the last issue, I said I'd give you the details of Sasha and Kath's
wedding party if the Liverite held out. As it turned out, Danny had a few
to spare - so here goes folks: August 12th was a sweltering night in the
valley, so, instead of driving, I decide to walk the narrow road that winds
its way up to Adam's place from my digs at the bottom of the boulevard.
Sadist that I am, I convince my two guests, a blonde actress and Aloke
Dutta, the tabla master to join me on this little excursion. Parking would
be a bitch, I explain to their unsuspecting nods of agreement... so we
start up the hill. Within minutes we hear strains of the mariachi band
coming from Jones manor. Even from this distance, we are treated to a few
of the many "clams" blown by the coronet players on that memorable evening.
Moments later we arrive, drenched in perspiration. Party in progress. Grab
a Tecate and some Mex-fare as I walk over to say hi to Justin. In his suit
jacket, he looks a bit frazzled, as if he'd gone without sleep for about
40 hours. FLASHBACK TO THE NIGHT BEFORE: As one contingent of Tool folk
drove out to Joshua Tree, Justin, Danny and I headed up to the top of Mount
Pinos with hopes of catching a glimpses of something a little more exciting
than the Perseids. Earlier, I had been tipped that there was going to be
a test flight of something from the "ANTHILL" facility in the Tehachapi
Mountains that night, using the meteor shower as a cover of sorts. Lately,
there have been rumors about H-PACS (Human Piloted Alien Craft) being flown
out of a secret installation near the Northrop facility by the Tejon Ranch,
and the 12th-13th was a possible window. The night was fairly uneventful
with moderate Perseid activity once the moon set, until about an hour before
the sunrise when we observed two anomalous objects moving very rapidly
across the sky. At first I thought these were satellites, but then one
of the objects began to display some erratic maneuvers before disappearing
from view. The manner in which the object disappeared was its strangest
feature. What these were I'm not sure, but they definitely were not meteors,
conventional aircraft or iridium satellite flares (which many people have
reported as UFOS lately). Judging by the color and characteristics of the
object, a good guess might be the return of something nicknamed the Deltoid
Pumpkin Seed. BACK TO THE PARTY: More Tecates as Adam, Danny and other
revelers are doing cannonballs off the roof of the pool-house into the
crowded pool. Somewhere in the city, suits at the record company must have
been cringing.

Anyway, I'm content to talk with the blonde but somebody wants to discuss
hyper-dimensional physics ala Richard Hoagland. In particular, he wants
to talk about the "tetrahedral latitude of 19.5 degrees". I'm familiar
with Hoagland's fascinating theory of bodies in the solar system receiving
energy from a higher dimension, but I'm burnt from the night before so
I simply remind this person that he (Hoagland) once tried to tie in the
Old Navy clothing store sale-price of $19.50 per shirt with the conspiracy
behind the HD model. You see Old Navy's mascot dog is named MAGIC as in
MAJIC or MJ-12. And if that wasn't enough, I also remember years ago something
about the date of the Roswell crash in 1947 being rounded off to 1950(19.5
- get it)! (NOTE: Recently, the producers of Brian De Palma's "Mission
To Mars" had some fun with Hoagland's hyperdimensional physics number in
the digital timer of the launch-code sequences.) Okay, a couple of more
Tecates after an aborted attempt of a margarita (too much mix) and I'm
ready to walk back down the hill and call it a night. This I do.

For those who wrote about "White Stains", no, Danny hasn't bought a
copy yet, but recently an acquaintance of ours acquired the envelopes of
a couple of letters sent by Crowley which contained a wax seal with the
imprint of his Ankh-af-na-Khonsu ring. Hey, there are stamps on those envelopes
and I'll bet AC licked them. Are you thinking what I am?

On September 5th, after nearly three grueling months of Mexican, Thai
and Indian, CHILI JOHN'S re-opened! People, you should try this joint -
a favorite hang out of certain Tool members when they're not rehearsing
and want to punish their GI tract. Also, Marco Fox, the chef and voice
of "die Eier Von Satan" is a regular - veggie chili being his thing, although
we suspect he might be what Danny has termed a "closet carnivore". If you're
ever in Los Angeles, check out this place. Chili John's has been in Burbank
since 1900 and among its many claims to fame is that founder, John, invented
the oyster cracker - crackers they now supply by the basket-load. (NOTE:
be sure to keep some bathroom stationary in the fridge if you order the
extra-hot stuff.)

The more savvy of you may have discovered an article on the site describing
our trip to Rennes-le-Chateau in the South of France. For the rest of you,
click on the link in the stream of intestinal sludge excreted from the
controls at the top of the page to view this piece. While reading it again,
I had a few final thoughts on a great journey which ended with Danny rolling
our rental van down a ravine - with yours truly sitting in the passenger
seat under the boulder-crushed roof. Danny had swerved to avoid hitting
a gray dog - a phantom or what occultists would call a tulpa conjured into
existence by the minions of Asmodius who were out to foil our pursuit of
the legendary treasure hidden in the environs of Rennes. Once again, back
in the states, the record suits were cringing, but we all survived without
serious injury, the worst being Danny's sore butt when the cedar box holding
a single vintage Macanudo cigar stuffed in his back pocket splintered on

Climbing out of the accursed vehicle, after feeling to make sure all
appendages were intact, we notice that Bob's (Danny's father) copy of GENISIS
has been ejected from the van with its dust jacket now shredded. The master
mason was safely asleep in the chateau, but his book was in dire need of
help. For our part, we could only laugh. That's the price you pay when
taking a collectible book into the field.


Well, not a treasure per says, but a considerable sum of money when
one of us lost his wallet in the hunt for gold. Said wallet was lost in
what David Wood called "The place of the Seed", the location of which he
has kept secret. Unlike Mr. Wood, we'll share the location with you - and
who knows - maybe you'll find its treasure or at least our wallet. The
ruins are hidden by a dense copse of trees in the middle of a triangular
called La Valdieu and explore the fields behind it. There, deep in the
undergrowth you will find the remains of a stone structure possibly once
used by the Knights Templar to conceal something of great import. Want
another clue?


After we returned to the states, we found out something about ourselves
we could not have imagined. You see, while exploring the ruins of the Cathar
bastion of Montsegur, one of us had chanced upon an ancient nail jutting
from its stone wall. This person later took the nail to a psychic to explore
its history. Using psychometry, this woman explained that the reason we
took the trip in the first place was because, in a past life, we were among
those innocent men, women and children who were burned alive by the Roman
Catholic Inquisition on that fateful day in march, 1244. Bummer, while
most people get to be Caesar, Napoleon or Alexander the Great in their
past incarnations, we had to be Cathar heretics put to sword and flames
in the Languedoc. By the way, it was during this act of genocide that the
Papal representative of Pope Innocent III uttered one of the most memorable
quotations in the history of the church. When asked by the Crusaders which
ones to kill (how to distinguish the heretics from the true Christians),
his reply was "Kill them all, God will recognize his own." So now we know.
No wonder we're so pissed off.

From our fulfillment crew: it pains us to announce that we can no longer
send any signed photos of the band to those of you in correctional centers.
It seems that the guards steal them, and we just can't allow this nasty
practice to continue.

Calendar of Events

September 5.....................Chili John's is back

September 18....................Maynard is back at rehearsals

September 26....................Re-release of Peach Album