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The Tool Page: An Article

Publication: Transcript of Salival Webcast

Date: December, 2000

Transcribed by
JEdypod Smythy (friskedlizard@hotmail.com)


  page: 
 title: 
author: 

WARNING!! only TooLophiles should read further, to avoid 
extremes of boredome and fatigue! Chaude!
Maximise this with word wrap on before continueing. (if using 
notepad)


KEY=====> MK=maynard james keenan, AJ=adam jones, 
DC=danny carey JC=Justin Chancellor, B=blaire
this is a transcription of the salivalcast web cast, for those 
who have not been exposed to the supreme wittiness of TooL 
or wish to be wowed by my stupidity in my decision to 
transcribe this 54 min monster. (yes, the last would be a 
good reason...)O... enjoy the "fruits" of my busy hands...
Salivalcast:::=)for those of you who don't know, maynard is 
the vocalist, adam guitar, danny drums, justin bass... blaire 
newsletter person, and David Bottril is Tool's producer... 
many of the phrases were semi-intelligle at best, but I've 
done my best to  accurately "guess" what the witty people are 
saying.... extreme unsureness is indicated by a (?) at the 
end, or in the middle or wherever... right, on with it then, old 
fruit!
====+====+====+====+====+====+====+====+===
=+====+====+>7

::laughs:: Adam: anyway, this is adam... and blaires the one 
who writes our newsletter of our collective thoughts.. once a 
month
Blaire: uhh, adam? We've gotta go to commercial first to do 
the crispy cream condom coercial-we'll be back
Adam: we'll just screw it up (?) while your doin that
Blaire: okay....so, anyway... questions are to be taken, but 
first we're gonna talk about... the band.
MK: how did we all meet?
Blaire: well, how did you meat?
MK: uhh, hi. this maynard. uhh, we all met at, uhh, what 
would be known as MIT, the music institute of technology. we 
were all in seperate schools. danny in the drum institute, or 
percussion institute. adam was in GIT, i was in VIT, and, of 
course, justin was in BIT. and the... end of semester project, 
they put one person from each area together, to form a 
band, and, uhh, have a little battle of the bands. and, uh, we 
got second place.
B: pretty good, second
DC:: that wasn't good enough, though, so we had to keep 
trying. till we became number one..
MK: and we got third last year. 
JC: so that keepin tryin(?)
DC: thats funny how that works
AJ: so what's happening right now, is, we're in a room, and 
we're staring at two moniters. one is playing the visuals, and 
one's a moniter with the questions. and... there's a person 
screening the questions, so if you ask stupid questions, your 
question won't get answered. and we'll laugh.
MK: our first show was played.. at a birthday party, actually 
our second show was played at a birthday party at the central, 
which is now the viper room. the very first show was kindof a 
sound check, kindof a first run, at the green jello loft.
AJ: oh, look at the question... guest plate (?) nope.
B: and that was maynard that just told you that, case you 
didn't recognize the voice. what about the new box set 
though?
MK: weel, we came up with the name TOoL, because there 
was a fire (?) sale, a bunch of band names, and, uh, it was 
the cheapest one. 
JC: what about the new box set though? ::snickers::
AJ: I wanted to say that david bottril's with us too, the guy 
who, uh.. 
B: -he's not miked, so don't ask to many questions
AJ: -yea, so if you wanna ask a david bottril question, you 
can ask a david bottril question.
B: we'll give him a mike.
DC: for all you aspireing mixers, producers, ...
JC: I'll have some wine..
B: well, we have another question here, too strange though.
MK: lachrymology is a form of exima,...usually centers 
around the ... groin area.
B: and that was maynard again, just failed to introduce 
himself.
AJ: okay, this is adam, we need more questions, so we can 
pick which one it is..
MK: and that was maynard talking about exima...
B: that's not a very good one, either.. we're lookin for some 
pretty good questions tonight.
AJ: blaire, can you put your pants on, please...
B: alright, what music are you listening to, danny?
MK: the bulgarian womens quire, maynard.
AJ: I'm not listening to any music.
MK: adam's not listening to any music.
JC: loves the TOoL progression, this justin.. I'm sick of 
(sounds inebriated, is drowned out by maynard, but 
continues talking)
MK: lately we, as a collective, have been listening too, uhh, 
the tracks for our new upcomeing record in april. pretty much 
all we've been doing, kinda locked in the studio. very self 
absorbed, narcissistic behavior.
B: you do listen to the tracks of the upcomeing record?...
MK: not while we're recording them, no.
B: that would be a question for david, but, like I said, hes 
not miked. ..here's a good question, how is salival different 
from Aenima?
MK: uhh, Aenima came out in 1996, and salival will come out 
in the year 2000. 
B: that's a pretty big difference.
DC: that is a big difference, this is danny, also...Aenima was 
recorded in a studio, and most of salival was recorded on 
stages in various places around america.
JC: Aenima is a bout 6 minutes longer...
MK: yea.. ::chuckle::
B: they're also spelled differently..
AJ: adam, more questions, more questions...
B: thats a good one for adam.
AJ: this is adam, the videos are based on what the songs are 
about, kinda done in a collective surrealist way. and the ideas 
for the videos in where...
JC: in maynards underpants.
AJ: that's right..
DC: that's where they mostly originate.
AJ: just a note, just for the record, everyones got about three 
beers in them right now...
B: the problem is, it's not enough-creed, they're takin our 
reserves
MK: four four?
B: creed has been a bane to us this evening ...you might 
wanna say...
MK: umm, hi, this is maynard, and I would like to point out, 
uh, that, uh... we need more questions...
JC: i guz let them creed guys no where i am.. i guzz he ef-
MK: this is maynard,and my favourite song off salival would 
be LA municiaple court, because it does what most songs do 
not... it is in line with, uh, I could liken it to films like, uh, the 
patriot, or, uh strangeland....-more beer? (AJ)... in that is 
stretches time. it is a song that stretches time.
B: how come the first song on opiate doesn't start right away? 
opiate? uhh, that's an earlier recording, right?
MK: umm, you need to buy a new cd player, becuz your 
opiate should start right away, if it doesn't start right away, 
then you should probably take your cd player back to sears... 
and bring your reciept, and see if there's a problem.
B: what is the talking right before cold and ugly?
MK: this is maynard, the talking right before cold and ugly is, 
uhh... is probably some kind of, ummm, is triggering a 
pathlectic aggression, there's no talking before cold and 
ugly , and you need to go see a therapist.
Blaire: I dunno, uhh, danny, you got another, uh, you know 
what that might be?  how has your music evolved. 
justin maybe good for you.
JC: kindof, uhh... in the circular pattern... and uhh, although 
it's coming in a box.
B: mmmhmmm.. okay...
DC: it's getting larger and larger...
MK: it's spiraling out,
B: were gonna take a fifteen minute cigerette break, but 
keep the questions comin'
AJ: more questions, hmm... whats a good one...
Blaire: why don't we take this with each person... maynard, 
what's your inspiration? -uhh- or would you prefer to go last?
MK: uhh, my inspiration....uh, just life situations, friction
BLaire: kay, guy sitting next to u'se adam.
AJ: adams inspirations are... 
MK: that's inspiration, not perspiration, by the way.
AJ: uhh... 
MK: ::snorts::.. okay... 
Blaire: well, this is right up his alley then, undertow, the cover.
AJ: what is the cover of undertow... uh, its a sculpture that 
was photographed, of, umm,. a sculpture made up of clay 
and plaster, and it was flocked with little hairs, which is little 
cut hairs, and this electrical device...
MK: which were collected from... moe... when we shaved moe 
the pig, we kept all the hair, and we used that as the flocking.
AJ: you tend to get...
JC: Flocked?
AJ: you tend to get flocked from symetry get... used as a 
reaction (garbled, quiet)
Blaire: really? from who?
MK: umm this is maynard, I really, uhh, my reaction to the 
word Flack, is extreme. the word flack kinda tends to set me 
off....
Blaire: next qustion, PLEASE! Flack... we, we specifically told 
you people no flack qestions...
MK: Not unlike the word, House keeper... cleaning..I think....
B: didn't we specifically say no flack questions? no legal, no 
flack.
AJ: here's a good one, did you guys ever have sex with each 
other?
MK: not that your aware of....
DC: i dont think its possible, this is danny... (?)
Blaire: justin?
JC: what is your musical inspiration...
MK: uhh, lately... haven't we all been listening to portishead 
lately? or.. massive attack? anything?
JC: a lit'le, a lit'le
MK: a little massive attack?
DC: here and there....
MK: autchre?
AJ: sarah brightman, but they don't want that in there...
MK: a little bit of oww tecker.... how do you spell that. A U...
DC: download...
MK: how do you spell that, A U C?
DC: A U T 
MK: a u t...
DC: C H R E....
B: what's your favourite band to tour with?
MK: uh, our favourite band to tour with would... would be... 
probably be led zeppelin.
B: are they gonna do anything?
AJ: we were talking with those guys about re uniting and... 
coming out with a ...
MK: mmhmmm.... right
DC: but I didn't really wanna do it, cuz I would have to play 
drums for both bands.... no one else is worthy.. 
B: okay, here's one for danny. adam, place the mike very 
close to your mouth...

AJ: okay...  hows this.
B: no, not that, the mike.
AJ: this is adam... talking... with his mike close...
B: favourite of your albums. we'l start with adam
AJ: adam doesn't have a favourite.
MK: Iced Pee.
DC: the next one
MK: it's an import, called iced pee.
B: mines the bethleham abortion clinic, but I'm just the host.
MK: maynard speaking, my second favourite record would be 
the bethlehem abortion clinic. my third favourite would be the 
collection of b-sides known as "crapsteaks smothered in 
dictators", and my very first, number one favourite TooL 
record: Iced Pee.

MK: I picked, there ya had it........... uhh, this is maynard, 
have you used different proccesses for making your different 
albums? the answer to that is yes.
B: absolutely... david, anything to chime in on that?

B: and here's david bottril for news-
MK: and, can I explain? I'm not allowed to, My lawyer said I 
was not allowed to explain what I meant by yes, uh, I have 
no recollection of that event.
DC: this is danny, uh, what were the processes different 
between Aenima and this new record. David.
David Bottril: the processes have been quite simialar in that 
the studio that we have been using is the same one, but the 
inspiration has been different.
MK: we're much more... we're much balder now.
DB: much balder yes, we're more follically challenged on this 
record than we were on the last one. 
B: this one's for david also whiles hes got the mic
DB: I am speaking into the microphone, dammit, how--
B: what's your view on christianity, thats a good one for david.
DB: my view on christianity...sorry, I'd like to pass this 
question to somebody else.
MK: I LOVE crypt tales... when I was a kid, my mom used to 
read me fairy tales all the time... luv 'em.
AJ: was it nazism, or christianity...
MK: my favourite part's where Hitler gets a christmas 
present...
B: alright let's get off this subject for a second, go to this 
thing about, what do you think of napster?
MK: changes his whole view on the world,,..... I think this us 
one of those fake questions...
AJ: Nobody's napster! this is adam, I love napster I think it's 
totally changed, uh, the whole technology of, um, buying 
records, vs. downloading, and, uh, I just think it's great. I 
think everyone should go and download our new album.
MK: I think adam's lying, firstly.
B: I think that's a fake question, actually, I think that's one 
of our own questions that nobody was gonna-
MK: uh, my view on napster, this is maynard, my view on 
napster, is that I think it's gonna inspire lazy musicians to 
get off their fuckin' ass, and go out and tour more because 
they're gonna basically have a valueless catolauge.
B: he's pretty serious about the... any levity from over here?
JC: uh, I think there's enough people thinking about napster.
AJ: if someone downloads your album from napster, is it 
going to flow differently than the cd will.
MK: I think yea, uh, this is maynard, the downloading of our 
album off of napster, what we've done is, uh, because of the 
digital technology, we've sown in a virus... and I don't mean 
a virus for your computer. I mean a virus for your genitals. 
and it will accelerate your, your pubic hair growth to the point 
where you'll look like cuzzin it. you probably shouldn't do it.
B: but some will try, nevertheless..... favourite cartoon...
MK: the warner brother cartoons are absolutely our favourites, 
because they were fairly complex, they appealed to adults as 
well as children. and uh.... nobody died!
B: that was maynard again, they don't have cartoons in 
england.
AJ: this is adam, I love speed racer.. that was my favourite.
B: danny? cartoon?
DC: ::sigh:: oh, man....
B: he cant think of anything...  roundabout way....
B: we'll we be opening you another beer,.....
MK: Hippie! what was your favourite cartoon as a kid... and 
don't say scooby doo.
JC?:hippie liked speed racer.
B: alright, heres a good one....collaborated with other bands...
MK: have we ever collaborated with other bands. not that your 
aware of.
AJ: and lo, the answer is, not that your aware of.
DC: the melvins
AJ: this is adam, I just want to know what you guys are 
doing, typeing questions in.. to your computer, asking us, 
about us, just sell everything you own, move out to los 
angelas, and start living in our TooL compound. working for 
us, having children for us, and worshipping us. ...and 
listening to our music, and just treating us like the gods that 
we are.

MK: doing our precious laundry...  just 
doing the sacred laundry... cooking the sacred meals...
AJ: what was the first concert you went to?
MK: rick springfield.
B: that's maynard.
AJ: for real?
MK: maynards saying rick springfield, yes, absolutly, sparks 
opened up.
DC: danny's was lynyrd skynerd (sic)
JC: justin's was ...ac/dc,.... I think...
DC: no way...
B: these young pups! ...blaires was grand funk railroad, but 
I'm not in the band, they just slap me.
AJ: can't remember the first show I saw...
B: come on.. what're you on... where can i get some....
AJ: I guess maybe the eagles
DC: wow...
AJ: have you ever masturbated on stage?
B: david? a question for Bottril..
AJ: that would be a good question for maynard, actually.
MK: oh, that's my question?
AJ: cuz I'm ....
MK: have I ever masturbated on stage....
AJ: your the only one with your hands free!... 
MK: well, i think what they actually are asking is... is 
conceptually. have you ever, quote, en quote "masturbated" 
on stage...
B: no, i think they really wanna know if you had the pink in 
your hand....okay...
AJ: okay, next question...
DC: a question for poor me..(?)
AJ: what are yoou doing up there?
B: okay danny, have you ever done anything besides TooL?
DC: absolutely nothing, I've avoided work my whole life... 
(everyone snickers)
B: like all true geniouses..
MK: NOT BY THE HAIR ON HIS CHINNY CHIN CHIN!
B: no danny, you've done alot of stuff, anything you wanna 
talk about?  come on, dan, lets have the danny 
carrey resume...
DC: I played with a band called the beesabar (?) that was 
supposed to be the next big thing, but our singer committed 
suicide, 
AJ: how'd he committe suicide?
DC:.... ss, with a gardening tool....
B: and that s how you got the name of the band? or did we 
already covor that matterial... what happens if you play the 
TooL album backwards, well which one?
AJ: you become an alcoholic.
MK: and, you destroy your record needle. you'll have to buy 
another needle...
DC: hey, thats the last beer!~
AJ: theres two more..
MK: if you play a TooL record backwards,  it will instruct you on how to go about, uh, starting 
your own clinic for calculus... and uhh..
DC: whoa...
MK: till you how to work hard and stay in school..
DC: sabatoge!
AJ: don't drink that one...
JC: was that creed?
B: they're destroying our beer, not only do they drink it, but 
they sabatoge the ones we do have....
DB: who writes the lyrics of the music?
MK: who writes the lyrics...
B: maynard..
MK: maynard writes the lyrics!.... Duh..
B: couldn't they have got that information elsewhere?
AJ: somebody ask a hard question...please
MK: do you ever get stage fright? well that's a good question.
B: that is a good one.
AJ: I have it every day. even the days I don't play onstage.
JC: I have it right now.
MK: I have stage fright when I have to go, uh.. renew my 
drivers license at the DMV.
DB:  a lot of other men haveing the test (?)
B: great, we didn't get to hear the man..
AJ: ..wants to chime in with his (humish? too much?) wit! ... 
now this is at a mall game, right?
DB: you get stage fright when your at a sporting event, and 
theres a lot of guys in the same time, and you can't ... hook 
a wee...(take a wee?)
B: what is the velocity of an unladen swallow... 
MK: do you mean a european, or an african swallow.
AJ: what is your quest.
: aahhhh...!!!
AJ: what is your favourite colour?
B: I was just gonna ask david if, uhh... was that a raider 
game?.....
: no, mamoth and tiger type games.
B: favourite video, now there's an exciting one.
MK: ASSMaster 3!
B: not maynard. DVDA
AJ: from adam, dvda.... Double vaginal, double anal. 

MK: I think assmaster 3 is faar better...maynard speaking, of 
course.
B: lil' kippy, you were in that.
MK: they weren't quite on it for the first time, then the second 
time they kinda titened it up a little bit. assmaster 3, they 
got it dooown...
B: is henry rollins..-
DC: danny's is still window wicker.
MK: henry rollins is actually-I dunno if people realize this or 
not, but henry rollins was the inspiration behind rainman.
B: oh, we're gettin' sued by crispy cream.
B: what were you sayin about hey zues and sober?
MK: I was sayin that he wasn't fuckin' listening.
B: kay...you got one of those gasoline powered mexicans 
working on your property or something? what is this about...
MK: yea, he's a mo blo go guy.
B: next question.
MK: what it was was I had a huge lawn back when i lived in 
grand rapids, michigan, I had a huge yard, and I had this 
guy who used to work on my lawn-one of those mo blo go 
guys, and, uh, he wouldn't listen, so I fired him.

B: was he drinkin? is that sober? or...
MK: yea, absolutely, the drunk.
AJ:  It's adam, move out here, sell all your 
possessions... worship us.  try to find us where we 
live. and kill us.
MK: ouch.
AJ: thats a joke.
DC: it's danny, no, we were never called toolshed, but we 
used to take maynard out to the toolshed and give him his 
uptins(?)
AJ: he just deserved it.
MK: I was corrected in the correct fashion. in the toolshed.
B: we're ready for the next question, this toolshed is killin' 
me.
MK: absolutely! we listen to all the classical stuff.
DC: like creed...
MK: bto, lead zeppelin,  styx, sammy hagar,
DC: aww, man...
B: yea, actually they all listen to classical music, verified.
MK: foreigners probably on the top of my list...
DC: you know, the classics, like blink...
MK:  take it eeasy....  would uriah ape be considered 
classical? 
B: by the way, you know, you can ask me a question, I'm tha 
neews letter writer, and you can, uh-
MK: anyone have any questions for Blaire? the newsletter 
writer, blaire.
B: anyone, come back and get me, who haven't felt the 
venom of my wit, wanna come back and.... stacy has one.
MK: references on undertow? um, I wasn't aware that I put 
any references my resumay, 
AJ: next question...
B: ahh, boy...
AJ: what kind of equipment do you use, this is adam... I use 
a guitar... 
DC: danny uses drums, 
AJ: and I use some pedals and, uhh...
MK: okay, this is maynard, and I use a lapehboney expresso 
press.
AJ: he does, he has two. and he didn't pay for either of them.
MK: and cofee. none of it. 
B: jus
JC:  I'm full
AJ: do you abuse people because you are famous and you 
can?
MK: alright, could you please repeat the question, I couldn't 
understand you
AJ: you idiot... god, who wrote that one.
MK: what a moron...
B: what are you, an idiot to write that?
AJ: what are you, stupid? your talkin to TooL, you freakin 
fool. 
MK: Never...-can I give you some advice as a famous 
person? never drink at an and do a web chat.
DC: never ever, anything bloody ever...
MK: get an erection, put it in the garbage disposal and turn it 
on.
MK: are you ever going to release a dvd? YES!! as a matter 
of fact, TOMAROW!!
B: that's why we're here...
DC: goood timing...
B: that sounds like a fake question to me...
AJ: this adam, we love our fans tho, we love you guys....jus.. 
it's fun to kinda... pick on ya.
MK: work hard, stay in school.
JC: lent pop. (?)
DC: what's that question, Blaire?
B: if you had to do a public service announcement, what 
would be on it?  cat got your tounge?
MK: what would it be on? public service?
DC: a stripper 'n four beers..
MK: I would probably discuss the dangers of alcoholism.
JC: creed's gonna killin one of em... here's a good one for 
danny carey..
AJ: why don't you answer that one, blaire?
B: alright....
MK: yotego alcoholia...
B: actually, no one is certain of the answer to this... it's a 
great mystery and a great...
MK: et, an ego (?-0
B: but it does translate as "and in arcadia" which is, or in 
arcadia, the pastoral paradise of french and other people, 
that can't be answered
MK: et, ego arconedio
B: actually it comes out strate: "and in arcadia I am"
DC: but what about the anogram of it?
MK: the anogram of it!
B: the anogram of it, well, there's several of them...begone 
with ya.... ever do a song with the melvins...
MK: et ego arconodia
AJ: yes. uh, it's adam, and yes, we have, it's on an album- 
melvins album called the crybaby, it's called divorced, and it's 
been out for about six months now.
DC: and do yourself a favor, if you're lucky enough to find 
the vynil for it, pick it up,.. incredible artwork.
MK: what's that?
B: great, we just got yelled at. what happened?
AJ: this is adam, a guy just came in and told us we have 
thirty minutes  and to please 
not do what we were doing.
DC: what were we doing?
AJ: you guys can't see it, but...  we have to 
stop, so... justin, stop.
MK: apparently, this isn't a urinal.
B: hey uh, would you like to talk about the lyrics to 
hush, ... 
AJ: maynard?
MK: yes, I could talk about the lyrics to hush, I could 
probably even write them down for you...if you want, uh, I can 
describe them in detail, and give you kindof a map of how to 
go about listening to them... I can even draw pictures, um, 
there's some photos that go with them... as well, and if your 
patient enough, you can download them at "eat a dick dot 
com".
B: if you couldn't be musicians, what would you be?
DC: I think I could be a haberdasher.... "excuse me? what 
size do you where?" I think I could manage something like 
that....
B: adam won't answer this, but he's always told me he 
wanted to be a steeplejack. wanted to polish the steeples on 
all the churches...
JC: I think I'd choose to be a proffessor of Culpid (?) 
technology, or lesbian science.
MK: testmarket positive thinking...
AJ: here's one for maynard, uh.. maynard, what is the 
security code for the alarm system at your house,
MK: umm., well, its a number...
B: can you give it to us as a rhyme? it rhymes with what
MK: it's between one and a million, 
AJ: tell it in a limric
MK: a limmric!
B: who does your artwork, that's a good question.
MK: there once was a man from nantukit. whose.....
AJ: bank was bigger than a bucket (>>?)
MK: pinto wassit was bigger than .. sittin dick he could suck it. 
(???)
B: how do you feel about people remixing your music.
AJ: it depends on who..
MK: depends on which people 
AJ: most of the stuff I've heard has been really silly, but 
um.. I would let dave bottril remix something... I would let....
DC: cuz he's the only one who let reed mix, cuz he mixed it 
the first way. 
MK:  my favourite part about this 
whole entire web chat, is....
B: alright, slow down... if you had to be trapped in a room 
with britney-- britney-- who? britney spe-- spired speares, or 
george W. bush, is george bush light? who would you choose. 

MK: christina aguilara.
B: can you have a weapon? if you have a weapon, I'd rather 
be in there with george W. Bush. 
AJ: would that be stuck in the room  in a positive way, or 
a negative way, like-
MK: who would argue with that?
DC: that would get you in trouble.
AJ: I mean, can you have sex with Bush? cuz like my friend 
kevin wills says, "he's hot!"
MK: downtown....
AJ: downtown.... 
JC: he left a worm in there...(?)
B: I don't think about a worm with braces, do you, adam?
AJ: this is adam, uh, thats our friend chet.
MK: incandescent worm... duh.
AJ: who.. thats our  uhh, fritz, and that's some 
background images that we show when we play live.. so come 
see us live.
B: and buy the box-set before you do that.
MK: my favourite part about doing this entire webchat, by the 
way, this is maynard, my favourite part about doing this 
webchat is, we're so drunk that we think we're really clever, 
and every time we say something that we think is clever, we 
look up to see if camella aproves...
B: when is Danny carey going to put out a full feature 
tableture book? please, danny, look how many exclamation 
marks are there...
MK: you gonna do it?
DC: ya, I am. soon.
B: soon, that's pretty vague.
MK: as soon as maynard describes hush.
DC: I'm working on it.
B: when are you going on tour.
MK: um, we're on tour right now.
AJ: we'll go on tour after our album comes out, on the 
seventeenth of april.  which is ...a certain singers birthday...
MK: a certain singer...
AJ: a certain singer.
B: well, since you're going out on tour, I suppose you do like 
going out on tour?
AJ: nope.
MK: actually..
B: well, I could be wrong..
MK: I like going on tour, actually.
AJ: how old are you, this is adam, I'm four... I'm this many.
MK: I'm this many. count my fingers.
AJ: how old are you?
MK: we're all between the ages of twenty, and fourtee...
DC: there's grass on the field, so play ball... 
MK: grass on the field? play ball.
AJ: maynard? wanna answer this one?
B: I always thought it was mow the lawn.
MK: huh? are you releasing a full length video... it all 
depends on who you talk to, as far as what "full length" is...
AJ: bigger longer and un-cutt?
B: probably nothing full length, right. why give em full length, 
when they'll take less.
MK: I think the whole THRUST... of releasing a full length 
video, is to give it all away, we don't wanna give it all away. 
no.
AJ: how does it feel to read people's email names, or what 
they're signing on ass...
DC: who are you?
AJ: who are you guys...
B: maybe next year they'l do that...
AJ: when you write your question, write in your name, so we 
can see it.
B: I think they're doin  that, but-
MK: just so you guys know, we do appreciate that your writing 
in and asking these questions, we're just absolutely cronic 
smart-asses, so you'll have to bear with us. it's our defense 
mechanism.

AJ: and theres' camilla, who set this whole thing up.
DC: wow, look at that, they put their names on 'em.
MK: alright...
B: I dunno if this is real or not, but what advice can you give 
me and my band... signed, jerkoff79
MK: yea, hey, uhh....  the 
advice we can give you is to just play musci, don't worry about 
all the fuckin' math, don't worry about the money, just plaay, 
the music. keep playing, play more, write songs, enjoy the 
music.
AJ: this adam, play from your heart, not your brain.
B: danny carey?
DC: record deals are the beggining of your nightmares, if you 
play the music you wanna play, you can't go wrong.
JC:  it's not worth trying to get signed, no fucking 
way.
AJ: next question...
MK: practice being smartasses were just... actually, umm.. 
like we said, we have a disclaimer, because of the delay, 
because there's an hour delay in this webcast....
AJ: because we're doing it from space.
MK: and because there was a lot of beer in the room.. uh, 
being a smartass comes naturally.
AJ: YOU HAVE TWENTY MORE MINUTES.
B: this isn't really a question, you have twenty minutes, but I 
dunno.... does anyone wanna try an answer that one?
JC: I think that sounds about right... I'm wondering if angel's 
from hawaii...
AJ: yea, angel.. send us another question...
DC: are you from hawaii?
B: where did you grow up?
MK: midwest. 
AJ: maynards from the midwest..I'-
MK: with the exception of justin, who grew up in england....
AJ: yea, we all grew up in the midwest.
 
AJ: jake... M I O....
MK: thank you jake.
B: now we'll have to think about that question for a real long 
time...but we wanna move along...
MK: YES! as a matter of fact dusty eleven, you can email 
Adam. his email address is: adam at toolband dot com. he is 
looking forward to your emails, and some of those photos 
you've been sending me, thank you.
AJ: yea, send us, like photos and raunchy stuff... take 
polaroids of your private parts, nn...
MK: when he says private parts, he means pirvate parts of 
you house.
AJ: justin loves porn. send justin at justin@toolband.com lots 
of porn.
Justin:  Lots. alot, alot....
MK: I prefer architectural drawings... that's maynard.
B: I'm not sure this is a real question.
AJ: and dan likes child pornography.
B: I'm suspicous of many of these.. by 
nambla.
MK: NAMBLA! we're not killers!
B: we're not killers!..
JC: hmm?
B: hey, uh danny..
someone: yoohoo...
AJ: send me... send me something...
someone: sense man show? (?)
JC: goto the next ... this is so fuckin....
MK: it's just tomarrow! fuck it! 
AJ: dude
B: right after...
MK: as long as the beer keeps flowing like fuckin wine, where 
the beer flows like wine! webcast tomarrow! fuck it!
AJ: more questionS!
B: I think he wrote that one too....
DC: thats not a question... who wrote that.. you can't say 
that...
AJ: this adam,.. we'll be rebroadcasting this, so you can enjoy 
it over, and over.. and over...
B: what's your favourite instrument to play, from bill padey..
AJ: bill padey, kay, um... what's your favourite instrument to 
play...
MK: Sony Playstation.
AJ: ya...
B: howabout danny just listing all your drums one by one... 
then we'll get out of here..
DC: oh no....
B: then we'll get out of here... just tell em all your shit.... 
what's the pyramid on my TooL shirt...?
MK: stop answering your own question.
AJ: it's the pyramid of bugs bunny.
MK: the pyramid on your TooL shirt, is ... what it is is we did a 
shirt that had a pyramid on it, and uh.. it's a pyramid, on 
your shirt,...
AJ: blaire?
B: it's your standard mesonic pyramid, eye in the triangle, 
baby... I've seen a thousand... if I've seen one, I've seen a 
thousand. bugs bunny, if that really is you...
DC: so your rich, eh?
MK: if you really are bugs bunny.
AJ: do you have a playstion two, jimmy haffa... Jimmy where 
have you been? everyones been looking for you...
MK: jimmy haffa, this is maynard answering jimmy haffa... 
jimmy, do you mean do I have a playstation also? 
AJ: do you have a playstation too? or do you have a 
plastation two.....
MK: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear the question, could you speak 
up...
AJ: I have one in Japan.
B: what is an opiate?
MK: It is an EP.
DC: derivative from a poppy plant.
B: may... go ahead maynard
MK: what?
B: opiate...
MK: an opiate is an ep. of tool. released in 92.
B: justin, anything to chime in?
JC: uhh, no. nothing...
AJ: chime. chime away...
DC: but in tennessee, they call those Ohh Pie Ates 
MK: oh pates.
B: what genre of music do you consider your work? what 
genra.
AJ: philip p a, your a genious. because...
MK: genra...
AJ: genra
B: what genra do you consider you...
MK: we're gonna need an address. philip pa, we're going to 
need an address, or a po box, or whatever, cuz we're going 
to send you two dollars for that wonderfull word genre.
B: what's your stance on drugs.
MK: uh, very wide stance. a very wide stance, very grounded, 
knees wide apart... elbows out a little bit. with fingers and 
arms extended, ready to recieve the onslought of ah....
B: danny, do you have a stance on this subject, or do you 
just prefer to.. 
DC: ,....barrier, is how I would finish it.
AJ: I just wanna say, hum sum ah campa bah...
JC: better translate that...
B: was winning a grammy your proudest moment ever... 
honeybee
MK: naw hee om go rangy kyeo
DC: winning a grammy was one of our proudest moments... 
or it could have been, untill we tried to walk into the front 
door, and we were denied, because moddona or someone 
else was trying to walk in at the same time, and we got sent 
to the back door, ... remember that?  god.... they 
wouldn't let us walk through the front door...
B: I just say we pull the plug on this whole thing, that's 
absurd..
DC: we weren't worthy, so.. it was... kinda put a hamper on...
B: hey, hunny bee, this brought back a lot of bad memories, 
let's move on.
AJ: this is adam, can you guys, instead of asking us 
questions, just tell us stuff, and we'll ask you questions.
MK: yea, for the last ten minutes of this broadcast, we want 
you to tell us stuff, and we'll... like you would 
at the olympics>
B: favourite author, favourite book. what's new, anything?
MK: favourite author? uh.. john crowley. one of my favourites. 
DC: egypt!
AJ: gary mullis, dr. gay mullis.
B: could have been a good oj witness... dan?
MK: spring chicken? spring chicken, is that the..
B: I think danny just read beyond the mov  
zone. it's a real good one.
DC: yea... keneth grant, it's gotta be. 
B: keneth grant, I'd have to second that. how bout you, jus?
JC: uhh... 
B: he just writes em..
AJ: I think the last ten minutes we should do it naked.
B: he doesn't uhh.... because he's from england, come on
MK: look, I just put my clothes back on, why would I take 
them back off..
DC: I'm with you, I'm here, i'm....
B: if you were a seventeen year old girl, which band member 
would you want?
MK: if I were a seventeen year old girl, I would want 
maynard, most definetly.
: what do you mean by want?
B: how bout you.
MK: what I would first do, as a seventeen year old girl
DC: I'd want pixie stix...
MK: I'd take a video tape of myself...
AJ: I would want all the members of tool. and I would do 
them so many times, it would like beat the all time record. of 
uhh... like a gang bang.
DC: what was her name?
AJ: someone beat her.
DC: no...
B: I don't know about these questions anymore, I believe 
these are comin in-
MK: Hillary Clinton! 
AJ: I'd make out with some dead person..
MK: and if I couldn't have hillary, I'd settle for Chelsea. 
 I'm sure she's cuter, but I think hillary has more 
experience.
B: I wouldn't be so sure of that.
MK: with women.
B: it's great for being a free country, or almost free country.
MK: what do I think about the- what do I want-- hang on... 
seventeen would want--
DC: look at all the questions we're getting through here.
MK: I'll see you in a year with a resume. photo resume.
DC: send photos to maynard, at toolband.com.
B: grass on field? play ball@!>...
AJ: send us a poleroid of yourself, and we'll get back to you.
MK: camille is horrified right now.
B: from the waist down, preferably
AJ: she's workin hard though..
DC: she's got a beer too
B: this'll give us a chance to catch up on our while we wait..
AJ: come on, more questions...
DC: I think we've exhausted our supply.
AJ: hey, does anyone have a question for justin? who's 
completely naked now, and asleep.
B: and sober.
JC: whada ya wanna know...
DC: oh, look at that...
MK: If you had to be one of the other band members, which 
one would you be?
DB: it's justin water.. (okay, maybe he said lover, I'm not 
sure)
MK: hmmm... I would absolutely wanna be blaire.
DC: hmmm....justin lover...
AJ: I would be blaire too...
B: you'd all wanna be blaire, but technically I'm not a band 
member, so...
AJ: you kinda are... I mean, you do write all our songs and 
play our ins--
MK?: oh god---SHIT! no....

B: sell the shirts, drive the truck give the sherriff... 
DB: ::clears throat::
B: ask yourself a question, then answer in the third person.
AJ: uhh, okay... adam, what is your favourite fruit? oh.. I 
like, umm... cumquats.
DC: bananas....
B: cumquats. 
MK: Wee.. prefer Cumquats.
AJ: TEN MINUTES AND COUNTING...
B: come on, you have ten minutes to ask a real esoteric 
question.
AJ: we need--we need... more questions.
MK: okay, for the next ten minutes, we need you to include a 
word in your question that you don't think that we understand 
what the word is.
AJ: yea
MK: a ten dollar word, include your address, please.
AJ: get the dictionaries out, and put your thinking caps on.
B: boxers, briefs, crotchless panties.
AJ: uhh, adam, boxers.
DC: all of the above, danny...
MK: maynard, layers, starting with the crotchless panties. cuz 
I think crotchless panties look great over boxers... 
AJ: they breath...
JC: justin, Jockstrap.
B: jockstrap... who has the largest-?
DC: yea, yea....
MK: that would be danny carey, 
B: gotta be, danny plays basketball...
AJ: I dunno... he does have big hands, big feet, but... you 
haven't seen the... who has really tiny hands and really tiny 
feet. cuz I'm a freakin idiot, 
MK: only his proctologist knows that...
AJ: I work in a freakshow.  see the man with 
tiny hands and tiny feat, but see his melon.
B: what part of the body is the backchewlum?
MK: it's the opposite side of the frontulum...
B: okay. movin along.
AJ: that's the beer talking...
B: you've been answered... DR. med, if that is your real 
name.
MK: doctor med, if that is actually what you are called.
B: well... gives us a chance to talk about the box set, salival, 
will be in the stores tomarrow, limited.
MK: be there at midnight tonight, for the midnight sale...
AJ: there are two secrets on there
MK: two....
AJ: there's secrets on all of 'em.
MK: prince.
AJ: one on the dvd, one on the cd.
MK: absolutely, take that fuckin' midget out!
AJ: we're not tellin you you need to kill prince, 
MK: he's an embarrassment.
AJ: but...
DC: danny's would have been George Bush, cuz then we 
would have taken care of two in one blow.
B: why is the box set limited...? can't sell that many, 
probably...
MK: because we realized that there is people out there in the 
world who will buy sixteen copies of the exhorcist because 
they keep adding some another some silly little thing that 
makes it worth you going out and spending another twenty 
dollars for it.
AJ: wait, maynard, didn't you kill john lennon? was that you?
MK: uhh.... not that you're aware of.
AJ: what is your favourite movie... uhh, this adam, the devils, 
umm... 1984,...
DC: this is danny, back to the future.
AJ: oh, I love that!
B: wait, the first one, or all of them
AJ: wait, the part where he comes down the hill and he sees 
himself in the car...
DC: oh, wow... what a mindblower, huh?
B: hey, danny, we need to talk after this thing, man... that's 
an amazing mind too.
MK: this is maynard, battlefield earth. battlefield earth is my 
favourite film. it stretches time.
B: who named this thing, I think it was Justin. what does 
salival mean? the title.
AJ: it's pretty obvious, I'd say...
MK: it means the cadillac.
JC: the old celestial jesus thang... that's about it, right?
B: it has something to do with the saliva of the rose as a 
secret of sex magic, we'll talk about it later on though, in the 
newsletter. keep em comin.... Eulogy has to be one of the 
best metal songs ever.
MK: off the internet.
B: where does adam come up with such elaborate 
arrangements?
MK: adam gets them of the internet.
AJ: yea, get em off napster, actually, we all write the music 
dude, we all come up with arrangements... so that's where we 
come up with our elaborate-- I'll be serious for a second
MK: One thousand one...
AJ: what's the next question?
B: who would open for TooL when you go on tour?
MK: who would open for TooL? well, led zeppellin, if they were 
together. but they're not.
AJ: I'm trying to talk to bands if we go to Europe, to get, 
umm.... to get a band called Meshuga to open for us. cuz I 
luv em! they're great.
B: will you play england?
AJ: uhh, justin, are we gonna play in england?
JC: yea, glasgoonberry
MK: absolutely! we love england.
JC: TooL thousand one.
AJ: we're gonna try and play all the festivals this year.
B: keep makin them crop circles.
DC: Glassgunberry, 2001. 
JC: gonna make it happen.
MK: keep them crop circles comin.
AJ: is there a theme to the next album.
DC: light your congressman, or whatever it is in england.... 
what is it? write your MP...
B: is there a theme to the next album? and introduce 
yourself, cuz we're getting tired of not knowing who you are.
MK: uhh...introducing ourselves, this is maynard, a theme for 
the next record--
AJ: can I introduce you?
DC: huge and evil!!
AJ: and here is maynard, maynard, take it away...
MK: uhh, the theme, for the next record, would have to do 
with... It's kind of a sitcom thing. what we have is like, there's 
two girls, working in an apartment, and like a guy moves in, 
and the landlord doesn't want a guy moving in, so he 
pretends to be gay, and then all of the sudden he comes in 
the wrong door, and all hell breaks loose!!
AJ: you forgot about the song with the wacky next door 
neighbors...
MK: oh, there's some wacky next door neighbors, that 
happen to be british, just happen to be british, wacky and 
british doesn't neccessarily always go together, but in this 
case it does, and that's the theme of the record! 
communication breakdown.
B: you're rich, other than that. that'd be reflected, I guess.
MK: uhh...
DC: not yet.
AJ: does anyone have any questions for the webmaster?
DC: yea....
MK: ohh, shoot.
B: pretty reliable source that a human with 48 chromosomes 
would be a horrible mutation, what are your thoughts.
MK: umm, actually, 
B: what exactly is 46 and 2 getting at, there ya go/
MK: well, it's actually 46 chromosomes, and an X or a Y, 
that's what the two is about, not necessarily 48 
chromosomes, 46 and an X or a Y.
B: which would be 47.
DC: 48, then the other two Y's would be a horrible mutation.
B: and it would not be two Y's.
DC: probably worse than our point now.
MK: probably boardering on hermaphrodite.
B: maynard, what belt do you hold in bazillian jui Jitsu, and 
what is your favourite fishing movie...
MK: oh, finishing move, finishing move... my 
favourite fishing movie is Deliverance.
AJ: twenty nine bottles of beer on the wall,...
MK: My favourite fishing movie is deliverance, and I hold a 
blue belt, in my one hand, and in my other hand I hold--
AJ: this is adam, and for a moment I would like to just 
shamelessly premote TooL right now. uhh, tonight, later on 
tonight, we are going to offer salival box-sets for sale, and 
they will be signed by a band member, if you're interested, or 
two.
MK: Not neccessarily a band member of TooL...
AJ: no no, of TooL. a band member of tool will sign.
MK: oh really? cuz I thought we were supposed to get the 
Deftones in here to sign 'em for us.
B: what would be your message to a new fan, maynard?
MK: my message to a new fan would be,
AJ: don't jack off in it.
MK: listen, just listen.
B: okay...
DC:  ohio...
AJ: budman! thirty nine, thirty three...
DC: yo...
MK: absolutely, budman...
AJ: we're comin to your town, budman...
DC: what, do you live in cleveland?
: oww....
B: alright, justin... how has the writing process been different 
with justin's involvement?
AJ: actually, alot easier.
MK: we tend to make decisions with a british accent.
DC: oh, blimey, gov'na.
AJ: blimey riffs are way better than american riffs. err... the 
septic tank yankee riffs...
MK: septic,..septic...
AJ: septo's.... Justin, you wanna answer, or do you want us to 
keep interupting me...
JC: naw, that's fine, just interupt me...

MK: free.
B: time ta gets tha keeps gettin ya...(?)
AJ: is that the name of a band?
MK: hmm.. free beer.
B: we can't give out that information, we can't premote beer. 
you know, brand names. Creed does that....
AJ: Don't have sex, and don't do drugs. but move out to 
california, and join our compound.
DC: don't drink the beer.
AJ: shave your head, 
DC: Creed premotes.
MK: do the sacred laundry.
B: has all the attention that bubble gum p--wha? bubble gum 
pop
JC: you've got to be kidding.
B: will perhaps help draw that attention away to more groups 
of substance.
MK: uhh, I think that the release of our record will be a minor 
ripple in that big pond, and that the bubble gum pop is a far 
deeper--(reaching music)
B: as the british would say: not bloody likely.
AJ: it's up to all of you to change that.
MK: actually, the evil is too thick, we'll never break through 
the evil.
DC: we're trying to take up all the space we can.
AJ: Yo TooL!!
DC: yo.
B: Yo tool. someone forget that taht's a lie up there.
DC: they obviously want 
MK: I don't have any idea what the fuck you're talking about.
AJ: next question!
DC: Ralph Nader told me never to buy dangerous toys... 
years and years ago.
AJ: I said that porno.
DC: there's something askew...what? ..... did you ever wish 
diary of a madman.. what?! Sick fucking billy
B: I think they got the next guys..
DC: I think that's fuckin howerdell...
MK: no, uhh, anyway, go on.
DC: ella marter, I'm sacraficing valuable calculus study time 
for your webcast--
MK: and I thank you.
B: good job.
MK: and I thank you.
AJ: buy a t-shirt!
MK: buy a tshirt, please...
DC: I'll sniff it..mmmmm....
MK: yes, absolutely, so we can rape artists, like we have 
been raped.
AJ: yea, but don't send us any tapes, we'll call you. don't call 
us
MK: when we wanna rape you, we'll call you.
B: Uhh, this is a good question, actaully here, for you 
maynard.
MK: uhh, yes there are, you'll just have to wait and see.
DC: who wrote that?! that's an insider.
AJ: that's vince.
B: very suspicious, good question.
AJ: buzz from the melvins is on here, too, he's probably 
writin, more  questions....
B: damn, I was gonna write david for that one, okay...
AJ: more questions!
B: MOre beer!
DC: one left.
MK: email us some beer.
B: okay, well, I think we've offended everybody...
DC: I think we've exhausted our supply of questions.
AJ: I have one for the fans: do you love us?... I mean...
MK: even as much as we've just insulted you.
AJ: do you luv us?
MK: and as drunk as we are.... what artist contributed to the 
box set booklet.... SId Cado!
AJ: cam dil lee ung!
DC: strap sized!(?)
AJ: and a host of others...
MK: um, we should spell those.  sid cato... S 
Y D  K A T O...
AJ: chet zar's C H E T  V A R
B: and duncan blake's got one of the nicest photos in there.
AJ: and he works at a very nice company called screaming 
lobster, where they do all of our computer kind of effects.
MK: Cam dillion, 
AJ: cam dil lion, which is C A M  D E  L E O N
DC: and duncan blake, master photographer, live visuals, 
AJ: danny's to drunk to spell that one.. next question, 
maynard...
DC: that one's pretty obvious...
AJ: how come maynard gets the last question?
B: yea ...
AJ: what a rip off..
MK: yea, i find inspiration for my vocal patterns
AJ: from whales
MK: three dollars to jason...uhh... from Joni Mitchell.
JC: are you serious?
MK: and that's the funny part.
AJ: by you guys, we love you.
DC: last few words.
B: buy the box set, you'll never regret it.
MK: thank you very much for being patient with, uhh, us. I 
realize we're very obnoxious,
B: don't blame Creed too much...
MK: and we trust that you are intelligent enough people to 
absorb our wit and not be insulted. we're in this with you, 
and, uh.. thank you very much.
AJ: it's been fun, and we'll do it again.
DC: this interview would have been much, much better if 
those fuckin Creed bastards wouldn't have drank all our beer.
B: hear, hear.
MK: anything else Justin?
JC: pleasant enough to see you all again....
B: and that should conclude it, we're gonna go to that crispy 
cream, what are we brought by? crispy cream condoms
MK: sponsered by crispy cream condoms, thank you very 
much, and maynard sayin: 
: Goooood Byyyyyyeeee!!
B: happy trails...

>>>>>>>>====================
wow, okay that's done. keep in mind that this probably isn't 
100% accurate, but represents an approximation of what the 
beautiful people actually said, .... right... If you have any 
questions/comments/praise, send it to 
friskedlizard@hotmale.com. keep in mind this thing took me 
in excess of 20 hours to complete, heheh. yes, I'm insane. I 
don't mind if you share this bit around... just don't modify it 
too much with my name on it, heheh. right, hope ya enjoyed 
it good. thanks for reading. oh, and I would like to thank the 
ellipse (...) for it's great help in expressing unended 
thoughts, of which there were many. yes.
TooL is sane.
JEdypod Smythy... Whale Pass, Alaska, 4-2-02

Posted to t.d.n: 04/15/02 22:44:51